Needs have to be known to be understood

Sometimes a person comes into therapy with a very specific problem.

Their partner does not initiate plans, they are frustrated that their partner is still drinking, they feel like they are always the one making an effort, they are upset that someone did not check in, did not ask the right question, or did not respond in the way they hoped.

The problem is real. But sometimes I find myself asking a different question...

What is feeding into it?

Because when several seemingly unrelated problems keep showing up, there is often something underneath them that has not yet been named.

The frustration about plans may be about wanting to feel chosen. The anxiety about sobriety may be about wanting reassurance. The anger about being misunderstood may be about wanting to feel known.

The conflict may keep changing, but the need underneath it can remain pretty consistent. Sometimes the answer is actually very simple like feeling lost, distrusting, unloved, or scared.

We can spend a lot of time trying to solve the surface problem without ever getting close to the need that is feeding into it. And part of the reason is that the need itself can feel uncomfortable or not even fully be known to us. It is also easier to analyze someone else’s behavior than to admit that we want or need something from them which is very common when alcohol is an issue within the relationship.

We can debate whether someone should have known than to say, and that if they didn't then it's a sign they don't love you or know you. But in reality people can't read what we want or need. It is easier to call ourselves independent than to acknowledge that we do not want to do everything alone. Sometimes we do not even realize we are doing this. We become very good at managing the visible problem while avoiding the vulnerability underneath it.

Having a need can feel like its own problem

For some people, simply having a need can feel uncomfortable or a problem in of itself.

There can be an assumption that being capable means being self-sufficient. That needing something from another person means you are asking for too much or you are too much. That if you were more confident, secure, independent, or easygoing, you would not need reassurance, affection, consistency, or support.

The need becomes evidence against this idea of who you could be on your own, not "needing" anyone else.

This is where needs can become connected to self-worth. I have heard people describe the experience as something close to, I don't feel worthy of having a need known and met or I am unreliable and it's easier to depend on others to provide that for me. That is a much deeper problem than simply not knowing how to communicate.

Before someone can communicate a need, they may first have to become willing to acknowledge that they have one. I think there is value in approaching that with some neutrality. A need does not have to immediately become good or bad. You do not have to decide whether you are justified in feeling it before you are allowed to notice it.

You can simply become curious.

What is happening for me right now? What am I wanting? What am I afraid of? What does this situation seem to be touching?

That curiosity creates some space, awareness, and vulnerability can begin there.

Vulnerability starts with curiosity

We often think of vulnerability as the moment when we tell another person something difficult. When in reality it can begin much earlier with ourselves.

Vulnerability can begin when we become curious enough about ourselves to explore what we have been avoiding. Which can be distressing because sometimes the answer is much simpler than the story we have built around it.

You are not actually angry about the plans. You want to feel wanted.

You are not actually upset about them missing AA. You are afraid that you matter less to the other person than they matter to you.

You are not asking for too much. You are asking for something you genuinely need.

There is no guarantee that knowing the need will make the situation easier. In some ways, it makes it more real. Once you know what you need, you have to decide what to do with that information. That is where communication comes in which is not the first step - knowing is.

A person cannot clearly communicate a need they have not allowed themselves to know or recognize.

You do not have to start in the deep end

Once someone knows what they need, communicating it can still feel intimidating because there is a chance it can not be received.

For some people, the answer is to practice. Not necessarily with the hardest relationship or the most frightening conversation. You can begin in everyday life. This looks like saying no to plans with a friend feels manageable, while saying no to family feels much more difficult. You can start by expressing a preference about where to eat feels easier than telling your partner that something in the relationship has been bothering you.

These moments may seem small, but they give you something important: evidence.

Evidence that you can have a preference, you can disappoint someone and survive it, that you can ask for something, and that having a need does not automatically make you "needy."

You can build the skill gradually. Some people will want to jump into the deep end, which can work but isn't necessary or going to exactly get you there faster because we need multiple pieces of evidence. But there is also value in allowing everyday life to become a place where you practice being more honest about what is happening inside you.

Then comes the part you cannot control

Eventually, you may tell someone what you need. And they may respond in the way you hoped they would. Or they may not. This is where resilience becomes important.

Once it is known, you have information. Think about this as allowing life to give you data, if you tell someone what you need and they respond with care, that tells you how to move forward. If they respond imperfectly but are willing to understand, that tells you they are wanting to try. If they cannot meet the need, that tells you a different direction is required.

None of those responses automatically tells you that you are good or bad, worthy or unworthy, too much or not enough. It is simply information and that information does not mean it will not hurt or it could hurt a lot, but at least you know.

This can especially be difficult when one partner struggles with a substance because we can equate our worth with our partner getting sober or not, loving you enough to stop using, or simply living in a relationship that feels unfulfilling.

There is a difference between experiencing disappointment and turning disappointment into a conclusion about you and your worth. Sometimes it helps to take a step back and look at the larger picture. You were vulnerable, you learned something, and you can understand how to move forward.

That perspective can make it possible to stay curious instead of immediately turning toward self-judgment and retreating.

Being known requires some risk

I think relationships are one of the places where we learn who we are. They can challenge us, show us parts of ourselves that are difficult to see alone, and ask something from us. If we want to be known, at some point we have to allow ourselves to be known.

There is no way to completely eliminate the risk. You can communicate clearly and still be misunderstood, ask for something and still hear no, let someone see you and discover that they are not capable of meeting you in the way you hoped. But there is another possibility.

The one who is in love and tries never loses.

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