Friends and family reach out to me all the time asking for therapist referrals. I love that people are seeking support, it’s exciting. But I also know how overwhelming it can feel to actually start the process.
There are more options than ever, especially with telehealth. And while that accessibility is a good thing, it can also make it harder to know where to begin.
So I wanted to share a simple, practical way to approach finding a therapist who actually fits you.
Before we get into the steps, there are two things worth naming:
First, it takes real time and effort to find the right therapist. This isn’t something most people can figure out in one quick search.
Second, a “good” therapist is subjective.
To me, a good therapist is someone who meets you where you are emotionally, feels aligned enough to build a real therapeutic relationship, and can support you in reaching your goals.
If you’re not in immediate crisis and you’re looking for a therapist (especially outside of insurance), here’s how I’d approach it: Sit down and write down the values that you hold and what you want from your therapist.
Step One: Get clear on your values and what you want
Before you start searching, sit down and write out what actually matters to you.
Do you want a therapist who shares your cultural or faith background?
Do you value warmth, directness, structure?
Do words like empathy and authenticity matter to you when you read a bio?
This step makes everything else easier.
Step Two: Ask people you trust for referrals
Reach out to your friends, family, or genuine people that you trust— friends, family, or professionals like doctors, lawyers, or psychiatrists.
Especially people who:
- Work in mental health
- Or are consistently in therapy themselves
Personal referrals can give you a much more grounded starting point than searching from scratch.
Step Three: Get specific about your non-negotiables
Ask yourself:
- Do I want in-person or virtual sessions?
- Do I need a sliding scale, or am I open to private pay?
- Do I want someone who shares my racial, cultural, or identity background?
- Do I need someone knowledgeable about specific relationship dynamics (like consensual non-monogomy)?
The more specific you get, the easier it is to filter your options.
Step Four: Look for alignment, not just general specialties
Searching for “anxiety therapist” will give you endless options.
But narrowing it down (like someone who works with anxiety and grief, or anxiety during major life transitions) will point you toward a much better fit.
Therapists who are clear about who they work with are doing that intentionally. If you see yourself reflected in their “ideal client,” that’s usually a good sign.
Step Five: Reach out and schedule a consultation
Most therapists offer free 15–20 minute consultations. Use them.
A therapist might look like a great fit online but feel completely different in conversation.
Reach out through their website or profile and set up a time to connect.
Step Six: Ask yourself the right questions after the call
After the consultation, take a moment to check in with yourself:
Did I feel safe talking to them?
Did what they said actually align with what I’m looking for?
Do I feel open to trying a few sessions and seeing where this goes?
You don’t need to overanalyze but your initial reaction matters.
After going through the steps go ahead and start with the therapist who best fits your needs and wants right now.
And remember; starting with someone doesn’t mean you’re committing forever. Therapy is a process and the relationship does take time to develop.
