The amount of information for coping skills, CBT worksheets, interventions, parenting guides, couples books, EMDR bilateral tappings, and everything else is insane.

What we don’t have is how to communicate with our therapist when all the tips, tricks, and tools aren’t helping.

I’ve heard countless stories from friends of their frustrations with their therapist or therapy, which at many times have been valid.

• Their therapist just sits there and listens without much direction.
• Their therapist doesn’t give them any practical skills or homework.
• Their therapist answered a phone call during session or other unprofessional behaviors.
• Their therapist made an observation that felt uncomfortable or hit too close to home.

And none of them have been forthright with their therapist about these concerns.

For many of us, therapists can feel like the experts in the room, the people with the degrees, training, and answers. It can feel intimidating to question their approach or challenge something they say.

But the way we interact with our therapist often reflects how we show up in our other relationships. If we avoid difficult conversations in therapy, we may be reinforcing the same patterns that keep us stuck elsewhere. Therapy can become a place to practice healthy conflict.

So how can we move the needle a little bit further about being honest and vulnerable with our therapist? How can we change patterns and dynamics for the future?

Step One: Open the Door

Start the conversation with asking your therapist if they’re open to discussing something that’s been on your mind.

Tell them what you want to get out of the conversations — This is a classic Foot-in-the-Door psychology tip.

You might say:

• “I want to be on the same page with you about expectations of therapy”
• “I want to be make sure we are working towards the same goals”
• “I want to let you know what my thoughts on therapy are so far”

Step Two: Be Honest About What’s Not Working

This is where you share your concerns directly.

Maybe your therapist is a great match but doesn’t give you a lot of homework, exercises, or resources, this is a perfect way to ask for something that could really help your experience.

Maybe your therapist is encouraging you to reconnect with your family but you’re not ready. Rather than feeling misunderstood, let them know that isn’t an option so you both could work towards finding your chosen family or go toward a different path.

Maybe you’re feeling frustrated because progress seems slow and your therapist keeps telling you to trust the process… well there is validity to that. A lot of research shows that roughly 12-16 weekly sessions are needed to see the influence of therapy.

You might say:

• “I am having a hard time with how therapy has been feeling lately”
• “I need help deciding whether we should continue working together”
• “I’m not sure this approach is working for me, and I’d like to talk about it”

Step Three: Reflect on What Happens Next

Pay attention to how your therapist responds.

A healthy therapeutic relationship should have room for feedback, questions, and even disagreement. Ideally, these conversations create a deeper level of trust and understanding. They may lead to adjustments in your treatment plan, clearer goals, or a different approach altogether.

Having a conversation like this will give you so much information about how you wish to proceed and either outcome is valuable.

You won’t hurt your therapist’s feelings by doing this.

Their job is to better understand and help you. Therapy is not a one way street, it isn’t just about what happens when your therapist speaks, it's also about what happens when you do.

The courage to tell your therapist that it isn’t working, that you're frustrated, confused, or wanting something different, can be just as therapeutic as any worksheet or coping skill. Those conversations create opportunities to practice honesty, boundaries, vulnerability, and self-advocacy in real time. Whether the result is a stronger therapeutic relationship or the realization that it's time to move on, but consider bringing the conversation into the room. It may be the very thing that helps move therapy and you forward.

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